--- What A Long, Starnge, Trip It's Been ---

To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

�Please Pray for me, as hard as you can.
2005-02-24 at 1:33 a.m.

I wish I could tell my own brain what is real.
Reality shows me daily what my life really is, where my marriage stands, what the future probably holds and how fucked up my husband really is.
My heart sees something else. I am learnig what my heart is telling me, it's so crazy that most wouldn't even understand it.
He has been gone since Monday. It's 1:34am on Thursday now, and my mind is so clouded. I miss him so very much.... but I know who I really miss. It's who he WAS, not who he has BECOME.
Why can't me brain remind my heart that person is gone? I know the reason. My heart is closer to my spirit than my brain is.
I have these illusions that he will accept his condition, they will find the right meds, and he will realize what all of this was.
Reality check once again~ telling me that meds will be a nightmare, mixed with diabetes and challenged by the mess that has already been created.
He will never regret ALL that has happened, he will still justify a lot of it in his sick mind and leave me feeling alone, abandoned, and pissed off.
I know the man inside. He is a soft spoken, sometimes very naiive, ambitious guy who would do anything to make things better for his family. The man I stuck by through pure hell in our youth and eventually married. That man has been transformed into some sort of animal who cannot control his own thoughts or actions. He can go from total mania with little sleep, ambition and out to conquer the word, straight to a pathetic mess with a shotgun in his mouth.
It's like he is demon possesed. Sometimes, I get a reprieve and I see the inside of him. It creates hope. It makes me feel loved and special, and needed. It never lasts long. The animal soon comes back and takes over, speaking in strange tongues that scare the hell out of me.
I don't want my husband to die. It seems as though he already has. His body is still here, his mind is gone. He can walk around totally dead, then somehow surface again for a short while. Then that thing comes back, and it stays a little longer each time and does even bigger damage.
I want the demon to LEAVE. FOREVER.
Don't fuck with me or my family ever again.
You are not welcome here.
He is NOT yours. I will not let you have him if I can only figure out how to keep him. If you win, you get him and leave a hole in me larger than a shotgun shell could have ever made.
If I win, you leave. You leave my home, you never touch my family again.
You dirty rotten bastard. Burn.
The thought that you are this close to me ONCE AGAIN, so many years later, leaves a vile taste in my mouth. It has taken me this long to recognize you again, although we met once before. Many years ago. I stood in the gap then and swore I could never face that kind of pain again, and I won. As weakened as I may be, I am stronger than you.
And I think the gap is larger in YOUR eyes, but I have grown a lot since then. Now I see you for all that you are.
Do you remember, you disgusting piece of excrament? The end result? I do. I remember every detail. I was young and foolish then. Reckless. Had nothing to lose. And I won.
Now I have a LOT to lose. If this is your challenge, again, fine.
God help me.
I give it all to You.
You are the ONLY one who knows what needs to happen. Strengthen me as you did the last time. Let me know which moves to make, and when. Help the ones who know me and know what they need to do to back me up and make me stronger.
Catch me when I fall.
Help me through the hell that will be in my face. Make me strong enough.
Protect my babies through ALL of it. It is a battle they must know nothing of. They are far too little and precious, and they belong to GOD. I know you remember that I gave them to You before I bore them! I meant that. Now you must protect them.
Just let me know what I need to do. I'm counting on you.