To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

Pathetic Wondering
2005-05-30 at 9:56 p.m.

I wonder if I'm the only one who wonders about things like this...
Are we really all the same?
I mean, seriously. Sometimes I wonder how normal I am or how normal my family life is. On the outside, we usually seem to mold into conformity- to a point. But what about on the inside?
When I look around the neighborhood, especially in the evening when it's dark and I can see windows lit up or televisions flickering in the distance, I wonder what those families might be doing. How do they live? What are their goals in life, and what are their dreams? Priorities? Are mine basically the same, or am I really a square peg?
I've thought about some of my top priorities in life, and I know for certain there are many people who feel the same way. I love God, my children, my husband. That's pretty normal. It's all the rest of the bullshit that sometimes causes me to believe that I probably missed my calling as a pot farmer in Amsterdam or possibly a princess...
I know for certain that I am truly blessed. I know what love is, and it completely outshines any other feeling in the world. Having that, I can usually overlook what I seem to believe I am missing in life- and that usually amounts to money. Mind you, I wouldn't sacrifice ANYTHING that I *do* have to get it, but I wonder how my life might have played out if I hadn't lived my entire life scraping the bottom of the barrel to make it to my next paycheck.
All the neighbors have nice cars. Better homes, clothes that fit and have no holes in them. If I were to drop by unannounced, their homes would look decent even if they were messy, since they can definitely afford to paint the walls regularly, replace shitty curtains, and maintain carpets that don't appear to have been used for a parade march during a rainstorm. My home is usually not only in pretty bad shape, but beyond messy. How do people even find the TIME to thoroughly clean? If my floors are clean, there's no time to catch the cobwebs. If I manage to clean off the desk and table, the mountain of shit on top of the refrigerator only seems to grow steeper.
I'm sure the neighbors can all pay their monthly bills on time, and have never had to explain to a 4 year old (who likes to answer the phone) why we hang up right away if the caller doesn't say hello right away. "Yes, sweetie, that's a BILL COLLECTOR! They have you on hold until shortly after you answer!"
Really, it isn't all about money. It's not. A lot of it is just ME. I need more motivation. I don't know a lot of people who consider their "daily downtime" to be from about 10pm-1am. I'm a night owl, and I would stay up until 3 or 4 every night if I didn't have children, but even a 1am bedtime leaves me drained in the morning when I am pounced on by two breakfast-hungry little girls. I need to find a way to motivate myself to jump right into the shower while they are eating. I really have grown tired of my 2pm shower, it's just embarassing to be a scuzbag who is cleaning the house if the FedEx guy stops by! I got into that habit when the girls were smaller and I could really only have an uninterrupted shower if they were both NAPPING. Now, only one naps- sometimes NEITHER- so if I am going to be harassed while I shower, it may as well be in the morning.
But no, I need to suck down hot tea & get my nicotine fix on before I can even FUNCTION. And the morning gets away from me.
I need the motivation to quit smoking, once and for all. Going outside in the winter hasn't even been enough motivation. I once tried the money savings as a motivator, but I get them so damn cheap at the reservation that the savings wasn't all that substantial- and what I did save I ended up blowing on bills or groceries, so it wasn't the happy trade-off that it should have been.
I need to join the gym again and workout. That part would be easy enough *if* I could get the whole "morning" thing down. The gym has a supervised play area for the kids until 11am. Not user-friendly for a night owl/morning slacker!
I am so unorganized. I couldn't even pay off all of my bills or debts if I won the lottery, since everything is so scattered. I don't even KNOW where I stand on some issues. Filing cabinets suck... everything ends up in a pile on the desk until it becomes outdated, then thrown out. Filing cabinets are only good for extra shelves in the closet!
What I really need to do is write a list. Prioritize. Take baby steps. Accomplish one thing at a time.
I could...
but writing that list doesn't sound like a good way to spend my downtime right now as the kids are finally sleeping. Reading the parenting boards at AOL sounds a lot better!
<<>>

Last Five

Nostalgic Mama - 2005-08-21
Fitting, I suppose- though a bit outdated? - 2005-07-24
Pathetic Wondering - 2005-05-30
Brain-Dead Carnie - 2005-05-22
The Bedbugs Bit Me - 2005-05-16


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