To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

�Had to Lock
2005-02-08 at 10:33 a.m.

Well, I finally locked this. The great cyber-pig decided to snoop around AOL and he read my AOL journal, which links to this one. So I deleted the AOL journal and locked this one up. I'm really not too bothered that he read the AOL journal, because maybe it's not such a bad thing that he gets a little view of himself through my eyes! I would like to continue writing though, and I am not going to feel comfortable speaking my mind if I think he is reading this, so the padlock is on!
We argue pretty much every night, always about the same crap. Neither of us wants to live like this anymore, but we are at a loss as to how to go about it all. We're in a financial hole, and we have to figure out how we are going to find suitable living arrangements for all of us. Neithe rof us can afford to keep the house alone, so it would have to be sold. I can't decide where I need to live, since I do not want to lose my job. Staying with mom while I get on my feet is an option but there are HUGE obstacles there, too. Her house is cold in the winter since she heats only by woodstove (and hers is about the biggets piece of shit and falling apart) and the house needs some work, although it is a nice little house and there would be plenty of room if I re-vamped the huge basement as a playroom. But, I would have to leave my job. It's a 90 minute drive to work from there.
I don't want to leave my job- not yet. I know I probably will anyways, when the girls are in school I do not want to be working 5-10pm or I will never see them! But not yet... it's perfect hours for preschoolers. I can stay home with them all day.
If I stay around here, I need to finance an apartment. Brian claims he will gladly accept the child support orders but I can't count on him. He's so hell-bent on leaving his secure, 15 year job with benefits to do "his own thing" as he always does. I'm sure as soon as I get settled into a place, he'll do something stupid and I'll be broke. If he works for himself, you know damn well he isn't going to claim everything he makes. I'll get boned.
If I only could have faith that he would stay at his job for just a couple more years! Then, I could stay here until both girls are in school, then move to mom's and get a full time job during the day until I got caught up. I'd love for them to go to school in her town anyways, I grew up there and I am familiar with everything.
Also, here we go again with the last-ditch attempt at "marriage counselling." I agreed, but I doubt it will happen anyways. He's been on that kick for 6 months. He brings it up every time we talk about divorce, yet he never actually makes any appointments.
Things are a mess, and it will get far worse before it gets better. Sometimes it's hard to think about losing my home and breaking up my family, but when I remember how peaceful it was here when I threw him out in December, it makes me somewhat look forward to the end result!
Do I love him? Wow. What a question. He keeps asking me that, too, and I have no idea what to say. I just don't know. I can say that I don't think so, since I have lost all respect for him, but it's just one of those things... maybe I do. And just don't realize it. I know I don't miss him when he is gone.

Last Five

Nostalgic Mama - 2005-08-21
Fitting, I suppose- though a bit outdated? - 2005-07-24
Pathetic Wondering - 2005-05-30
Brain-Dead Carnie - 2005-05-22
The Bedbugs Bit Me - 2005-05-16

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