To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

�Regrets and Sentence Fragments
2005-01-20 at 11:33 p.m.

It's not going away.
I don't think it ever will.
I am kicking myself for ever letting him have a CHANCE. I am 99% positive the love is never going to come back. I still feel the same as I did one month ago.
Now I'm more stuck than ever.
I think the only solution is to keep selling on Ebay and socking away money. I only have a couple hundred dollars, and that isn't enough for shit. I want enough in the bank to be able to survive for a few months, pay rent & security deposits, and a plan. The money will show up eventually, and in the meantime, I hope a plan surfaces too.
He just hasn't changed, and he never will. He has "found God" again. Not sure exactly where he LOST him, but he feels great now that he's "found" again. Yet his selfish attitude never goes away, it's only hidden in his stupid little antics and new resolution to force the girls to PRAY WITH HIM constantly, even when they are in the middle of something. They are starting to become completely annoyed with it, and frankly, so am I.
He called in sick to work ALL WEEK. He isn't going in tomorrow, either. There is nothing wrong with him, he just feels that he "needs a break." Well, isn't that special! When do I get MINE? I'm pretty sure this is his gay little plan to get himself fired, since he claims to hate his job and he wants to have some big business of his own. (He's had plenty of opportunities to do that, but he fucks it up every time with his piss-poor planning and absolute disregard for REALITY.)
Reality is:
Your children need you to go to WORK and support them
Your family needs MEDICAL INSURANCE, which you will not have if you quit/get fired/go part time
You are not intelligent enough to run your own FAMILY much less a business.
God is not going to bless a hypocrite. If you desire to be "head of the household," FIRST you need to act like a husband and father- not a complete idiot who is somewhere in La-La Land.

Yes, reality sucks. Mine does, too.

MY reality is that YOU have ruined my home life, my family, my marriage, and my reputation. You have rattled off lie after lie to anyone who would listen, only to gain pitiful sympathy for yourself. What you don't realize is that PITY just makes you look PATHETIC.
I am sick of being PRESSURED. I am sick of being JUDGED. I am sick of being responsible for all of the REALITY in this family. I am just sick of being responsible for EVERYTHING!
It's going to be a long time until I can dig my way out of this hole that *I* haven't even created. I ahve done nothing wrong, and I must sit here and suffer. I want to be SO far away. Somewhere, ANYWHERE but here. Just me & my little girls.
Find the will to live and go do it. Just do it somewhere else. PLEASE. How I wish I could just be ANYWHERE BUT HERE and not have to look over my shoulder all the time, or worry about what ignorance is being spread around that isn't true.
God help ME. I haven't asked for much, and I certainly got it!

Last Five

Nostalgic Mama - 2005-08-21
Fitting, I suppose- though a bit outdated? - 2005-07-24
Pathetic Wondering - 2005-05-30
Brain-Dead Carnie - 2005-05-22
The Bedbugs Bit Me - 2005-05-16

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