To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

�I Lost It
2004-12-31 at 8:55 p.m.

It's been a long time coming, I finally lost it. My MIND, or whatever little I had left.
The kids went insane today too...or maybe it just hit me harder today. I reached my breaking point and I lost it. It didn't feel good at all. I don't like to be that angry, I don't like to scream until my throat hurts. They didn't deserve it. They deserved something maybe, but not that. I feel like the world's biggets piece of shit. Kelly ran to me immediately after I sat down and shut the hell up and tried to hug me through her tears and apologize. I am so, so sorry.
I just wish I had someone. Maybe a clone of myself, so they would understand it all completely and not question anything. Not judge me, not tell me what I 'should' do, but just be there to pick me up when I fall apart. Maybe be there for my girls, the only true light in my life, when I am physically and mentally not capable of giving them exactly what they need because I can't even take care of myself.
It's a really, really hard thing. So many emotions all at once, and they change so dramatically. It's like constant PMS and a broken life mixed together. I can't even explain it.
I hate the constant pressure. I can't wish this away. I can't fix it, I can't get rid of it, either. My brain is in a vice. My heart is going numb to the point of not wanting anyone around me. I don't want or need a 'hug,' I don't want to talk about it, and I definitely don't want any advice. I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want a phone call. The more I am pressured, the further into my own self I go. The further into myself I withdraw, the farther away from reality I feel.
When I was here with the kids, alone, it was better. The pressure was gone, although it was replaced by other worries. I honestly don't know what is worse. I know I can't fix this, I can't make myself feel anything, and going through the motions is enough to drive me insane.
Thank God for music. I can pick myself up and find a reasonably human mood. Thank God for my girls, they show me every day that life is worth living and there is a reason to believe the future might be something to look forward to.

Again with the "Guilty Pleasure." I bought the Ashlee Simpson cd. Laugh if you will, I really don't give a shit. Yes, even a self-proclaimed headbanger can visit 'the other side' once in a while. I have to keep up with the times to a point, or I'll fall behind. Maybe I already have...

I kinda like this one...

It's been three days
You come around here like you know me
Your stuff at my place
Next thing you know, you'll be using my toothpaste
Step up, sit down
Get ready, let me tell you who's the boss now
Stay here, get out
Everytime i turn around you're in my face

Don't care where you think you've been, and how you're getting
over
If you think you've got me down
Just wait it gets much colder

Here I am,
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me

Shut up, come back
Know i didn't really mean to say that
I'm mixed up, so what
Yea you want me so you're messed up too
I love you, I hate you
If you only knew what i've been through

My head is spinnin'
But my heart is in the right place
Sometimes it has to have it's self a little earthquake

Here I am,
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me

I've been waiting all my life
To finally find you
Just so i can push you away
And when youre crawlin over broken glass to get to me
That's when i'll let you stay

Last Five

Nostalgic Mama - 2005-08-21
Fitting, I suppose- though a bit outdated? - 2005-07-24
Pathetic Wondering - 2005-05-30
Brain-Dead Carnie - 2005-05-22
The Bedbugs Bit Me - 2005-05-16

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