To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

�Promises, promises.
2004-12-20 at 7:02 p.m.

Family court... my third day there, one of many more to come, I'm sure. It was about as counterproductive as it could possibly be, and I sit here tonight feeling discouraged and more out-of-control than ever.
Kelly has done a complete 360, now she begs to talk to him on the phone or see him. She reminds us all frequently of what she has seen, still has some bad dreams, but overall realizes that she loves and forgives him, even if she won't forget. I know that's healthy, and I'm glad for her, I just don't feel the same way. I am reminded constantly of it all, especially as I sit here unable to get my Christmas shopping done because I can't drag the kids out with me to finish it off, also because the money he left me with wasn't enough to pay SHIT with, much less squeeze any extras out of. He decided how much *he* would need to survive, figuring in his fuel, food, other expenses, etc... and it was exactly the amount we normally used to pay all of the household bills with.
He played it up quite dramatically all week, most of his friends and family were calling constantly thinking I might have some insight on his "behavior," as they were truly worried that he was going to kill himself. He left his cell phone at his lawyers, could I let him know? The ONE silver lining in this dark cloud has been that I have not had to babysit him, yet no one else seems ready or able to take over the job without involving me! Sorry, everyone, I really have my hands full right now...
He promises he's going full-force to get the help he needs. He promises he is sorry, over and over again. He promises things will change. I know this is a typical response for abusers, they are ALWAYS sorry after the fact, once they have time to reflect AND have been legally informed that they have truly fucked up. He really thinks he can just see his shrink, attend some programs, and things will be what they used to be. He is very upset that I will not give him that guarantee. Even if six months, a year, two years have gone by and I believe he has "changed," I can not promise I will ever feel for him the way I once did. I'm not saying that I KNOW it, possibly someday we may be able to work on things between us, but I certainly don't feel it right now and it's hard to see any light at the end of any tunnel.
I feel that I have gone above and beyond the call of duty, and I am not being the vindictive bitch that I could be if I wanted to. God knows I could hang him from his balls if I so desired. Instead, I have allowed him to maintain contact with his children, have the things he needs, etc.
And family court fucked me today.
I wrote out a list of stipulations, informed my "victim's advocate" that if these conditions were met, I would allow the strict order to be amended to allow him access to this house again to see his kids and such, spend some time with them over the holidays. I would continue to live here, with the kids, and have sole custody of them, and he would have to provide the income he has taken away to maintain the household, instead of forcing him to sell it. Even if it doesn't solve anything, it would buy me time to find suitable living arrangements and finances, and give him a chance to figure out what he wants to do. I noted that he had to get a mental evaluation and follow through on any recommendations, and attend a batterer's group. He also would have to pay restitution for my things that he destroyed. He knew all of these conditions when he walked into court and was almost agreeable to it all, although he did bitch about the money part of it.
Family court put into order the "No Offensive Conduct" order, and blew my stipulations out the window. My "advocate" (and I use that term VERY loosly!) basically just sat there as the judge spoke, telling me that "the holidays are coming, we have small children involved, and should just work out our differences." I was NOT happy about that, and requested the situation be revisited if this order were to be put into place. So, we go BACK again January 3rd.
Now, he has not been court-ordered to do any of the things he originally BEGGED to be allowed to do, so we'll just see how serious he actully is. He has every opportunity to do them on his own, and if he doesn't, I am back to square one- and moving out. I still may do that regardless. I'm just very upset that the courts seem to see what happened as some sort of minor argument and something that is within my ability to "just FIX."
HIs criminal charges stick, I can only hope they put the stipulations into effect, SOMEBODY needs to!

Last Five

Nostalgic Mama - 2005-08-21
Fitting, I suppose- though a bit outdated? - 2005-07-24
Pathetic Wondering - 2005-05-30
Brain-Dead Carnie - 2005-05-22
The Bedbugs Bit Me - 2005-05-16

�