To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

�There, I finally wrote it.
2004-12-14 at 10:40 p.m.

I wish I knew how I was supposed to feel. Better yet, I wish I could control HOW I felt- all the time.
Being mad is a lot easier than feeling hurt. Or betrayed. I could easily handle it if the "angry" stage would just stay intense, forever, and bury any other emotions that could come.
I'm not at all lonely. I'm never alone, and he was never here anyway really.
And the one Sunday night that he was, he hurt me more deeply than anyone ever has. A Sunday night, when we are supposed to put the kids to bed and relax. God's day. A day of rest. Not a day to accuse your wife of something ridiculous, not listen, then beat her in front of her children.
He can't come back, not legally. He can't call, have any contact with us, nothing. I doubt it even bothers him, though it bothered Kelly so much that she insisted on calling his cell phone tonight and would not hang up. She gave him an earful, and got it all off her chest. I'm glad HE finally got to hear it, since she has told everyone she has seen every gory detail of what happened, including a little boy in family court yesterday who had NO idea what to think.
He regrets hitting me, and that's it...because THAT is what made HIM look bad. That was the mistake that got him thrown out of his home and gave me "the upper hand," in his little warped mind. That's all. Had he gotten away with that, he would have NO regrets at ALL! He regrets none of his ridiculous, paranoid accusations. Apparently, this is very common in abusers- they are sorry they beat you but deep inside, they feel vindicated and justified. As I overheard him tell the cop in the driveway when he came to get some clothes, "there's two sides to every story!" Of course, Brian...I deserved what I got. And just like your accusations in the past, this one is equally ridiculous. And your response to my lack of "cooperation" when I told you that you were fucking insane, was physical, and it cost our family EVERYTHING.
My children will never have married parents. They will never again know the priviledge of living in a home with a big backyard for their swingsets, treehouses, and millions of toys. They will not grow up with both parents present. The little treats that often came their way will never be afforded so liberally again. They will not grow up in the midst of a loving relationship and in their adolesence, will have no clue where to start- just like their older sister. They will live in an apartment with no yard and no swingset, and grow up with a struggling single mother.
But they will be SAFE.
Safe from watching someone they love hurt their mother. Safe from the paranoid accusations and instability. They may have no example of true love, but they WILL understand that they are worth everything, and no man has the right to hurt them!
His indignant attitude is what bothers me the most, I think. He wouldn't tell Kelly where he was when she asked him twenty times. I don't know WHY she needed to know, she just did. Apparently, this is some big secret. In the past, when he has been guilty of something, he has come at me full-force with stupid accusations...some of them SO ridiculous that they were laughable. This is probably the same situation, and that's why he is where he is. And nobody is supposed to know. I'm not supposed to be smart enough to figure it out, either, I guess. It's funny how betrayal can come so easy to him when he feels that he has been WRONGED... he has no idea how many times I have been propositioned and even BEGGED to stray from my marriage vows and never have, never would. Even now. I hate him, but I am still married to him. The vows I took before God mean everything to me, even if they are toilet water to him. Any way he can hurt me, he will. It somehow makes him feel better to know he is doing something to hurt me. Mentally, emotionally, physically- as long as he thinks he has control in his own mind, he feels better.
I'd love to let go and cry, but I refuse to. Once it starts it may never stop and I need to be strong right now. I have taken it and taken it, surely I can get through this also.

Last Five

Nostalgic Mama - 2005-08-21
Fitting, I suppose- though a bit outdated? - 2005-07-24
Pathetic Wondering - 2005-05-30
Brain-Dead Carnie - 2005-05-22
The Bedbugs Bit Me - 2005-05-16

�