To the world, you are one person...but to one person, you are the world!

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2004-10-19 at 11:04 p.m.

I could be doing better things, but...
I'm not.
As I sit here, wasting away at 11:04 pm, shoveling ice cream, hot fudge and melted peanut butter down my pie hole, I contemplate re-joining the gym. I haven't been there in about two months. I should have renewed my membership, for I surely would have been more motivated had I known I was paying for something and getting nothing from it. Instead, it lapsed, and so did I...into a junk-food eating, lazy, oversleeping pile of crud.
I have considered getting to bed earlier, so that I would have at least a tiny bit of motivation in the morning, but I can't do it. I vowed to be in bed by midnight last night and I actually did it- but wasn't tired so I read a book for an hour, went in & cuddled with Kelly, then fell asleep by 2am. These sleeping habits tend to transform me into CRAB WOMAN when I am bounced on in the early morning hours by two little monkeys who insist that they need pancakes, NOW.
I want to quit smoking, for good this time. (Ahhhhh HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!! You thought I was serious?) No, really- one of these days...
What I truly want out of life? A CLEAN HOUSE. I mean, really clean. And I have been trying. I am Flylady�s worst nightmare, the way I concentrate on one room being nearly perfect before I can move on to another, and by the time I do, the clean room has already been trashed again. I spend every moment that I am not busy with the kids cleaning, yet I am embarrassed if someone shows up at the door. I look around at all of the shit-piles everywhere, and have no idea how to get rid of them. Often, I just start throwing shit out. Fuck it, if it sat there for a month, we don�t need it. This often blows up in my face when I can�t find the electric bill�
I say that I need a maid, even though I can�t afford one. Just someone to come here once or twice and work alongside me so that EVERYTHING gets done. Or, a whole week off from work to complete my mission, so I don�t have to stop what I am doing and run off to get ready for work every afternoon, leaving most of the work half done. My rationale is that once it�s all caught up, I should be able to maintain it, although deep down I know that it would only take a week for it to all pile up again. Ahhh, what a dream it would be to awaken with the morning light and have everything in place and floors that aren�t caked with crud!
If it were New Years� Eve, I�d have a whole list of resolutions to pick from. But it isn�t, so I�m not making any commitments. My kids seem healthy and happy, and we have a lot of fun together even if it happens in a filthy house. Even if Mommy needs a good workout to tone her flabby gut. I guess that�s all that matters because when I pray each night, a clean house never makes the prayer request list- number one is that my children are healthy, happy and safe.
Dear Lord, could I please win the lottery? Just this once? ;)

Last Five

Nostalgic Mama - 2005-08-21
Fitting, I suppose- though a bit outdated? - 2005-07-24
Pathetic Wondering - 2005-05-30
Brain-Dead Carnie - 2005-05-22
The Bedbugs Bit Me - 2005-05-16

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